This Doesn't Feel Like Me Anymore

I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately—and I think a lot of it has to do with how much my life has changed since I started this podcast.

When I first started Cai Society, I was in a completely different place.  I was living at home, single, and honestly just trying to rebuild after a failed engagement.  And now… my life looks really different.  I’m living on my own, I’m in a relationship, and I’m navigating a version of life I haven’t fully caught up to yet.

In this episode, I’m talking about that overwhelm, how much things have shifted, and why the podcast started to feel disconnected from who I am now.

This is also a reset.  I want Cai Society to feel more like a diary—less structured, less “preachy,” and more honest about what’s actually going on in my life in real time.

No script, no perfect takeaway—just where I’m at right now.

Cai Society is a weekly podcast about navigating your 30s with humor, honesty, and zero pressure to have it all figured out.

Follow the show so new episodes land automatically — because remembering things is hard.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Okay, I feel like I need to just start this episode by being super honest because I've been completely overthinking it for way too long. I think I've been doing this podcast in a way that doesn't really feel like me anymore. Like when I first started Kai Society, I absolutely loved it. I loved having something to say. I loved structuring episodes. I loved feeling like I was putting something thoughtful out into the world. But recently, every time I've gone to sit and record, it's just felt so forced. And I've been trying to figure out why. And of course, like my big move in the last few weeks to New Jersey has played a role. Um, I just feel like I've I'm putting so much pressure on myself, and there's change happening all around me, and I'm definitely overwhelmed and stressed. Um, that hasn't changed. But I just, you know, I don't have anything figured out. And I've said that before, but I also feel like there have been times when I've been super preachy, and no matter how many times I say I don't want to be preachy, I feel like it's just kind of like happened that way. And um, so I just want to reiterate that I literally have no idea what I'm doing. I'm flying by the seat of my pants, and I don't want to sit here and act like I have some perfectly wrapped up, like wrapped up lesson every episode, because that's just not what my life actually looks like right now. So I think I just want to change the way I do this. I want this to feel more like a real conversation or like honestly, more like a freaking diary. Like me just talking through what's actually going on in my life and what I'm thinking about, what I'm confused about, and maybe sometimes there's a takeaway, but maybe sometimes there's not. And I feel like that's just like a lot more honest. So this is kind of me resetting things. You know, no script, clearly just talking. And honestly, I do feel a little bit weird doing it this way, but also a little bit relieved. So yeah, I guess this is the new version of Kai Society with the footsteps of my landlord above me. And listen, ain't nothing more real than that. So let's actually get into like what's actually going on in my life right now because it's just like changed so much since I originally started Kai Society. Like, I feel like my big things when I started Kai Society were that I was, you know, still living with my parents and that I um was changing career paths and that I was single after breaking off an engagement and uh X, Y, and Z. So now I'm living on my own. Think the good Lord Buff, you know? Living on my own. I'm in a relationship. What? I'm in a committed relationship and I have a job. It's not yet in the field that I'm trying to get into, but that was always the plan. I came up here with a temporary nanny and gig, and so I'm about almost halfway through that, and I'm currently interviewing for kind of my dream job, and I'm really nervous because it's a newly created role for the company, and so it's just kind of like interesting getting down to the nitty-gritty and like figuring things out, and you know, trying to make sure that like we're both aligned and that I'm gonna be able to be successful long term and and grow, you know, with the company. So pray for me on that. Fingers are friggin' crossed. But yeah, guys, I'm living on my own how long has it been? Like three weeks now, four weeks? Oh my gosh, has it been a month? Have I been here for a month?

unknown 4:22

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

I've been here for a month. Wow. You wouldn't be able to tell. I'm still like not even unpacked, which is crazy loca behavior. Um, but I'm starting to get more comfortable, which is so amazing. I mean, listen, long term, like, do I want to be here? No. It's not necessarily a space that like I'm super proud of or that like I think fits my energy, but it's the cheapest thing around, and I feel safe. And the Airbnb host is really, really sweet. So I think that you know, I can consider myself lucky for finding this spot, and I honestly will stay as long as as long as she lets me. Um, but yeah, it's like it's in such a great town. Everything's walkable, like my yoga studio, my Pilates studio, my coffee shop, my bagel shop, the post office, like this gorgeous park. You know, it literally feels like a frickin' nature hiking trail, like walking through with a stream next to me and all the tall trees, and it's like, ugh. I genuinely I am super, super happy with like the location of my place. Like the sun was shining yesterday. I was out on a walk, the sun was shining, and I literally like nothing could get me down in that moment. I'm serious. Like, it was such a funny experience because I guess maybe I didn't realize that I had been depressed before. Um, I mean, I am currently on my period, and you know, I used to have like really bad PMS and stuff where like just the mood swings were crazy. Um, and I just feel like yesterday, like not even that could take me down. I was just like looking up at the sky, smiling happy. And it was kind of a big moment for me because that feeling when you're like content and you look around and you're like, oh wow, like I'm having a good time living this life. Like that, it just felt so good. And then I finally was like, Okay, great, I'm ready to record Kai Society again. Like, because leading up to it, it's just been like so overwhelming. And I like I honestly was just putting it off. I was like, I can't, I can't record, I have nothing to say. And maybe still to someone listening, this is like useless, but this is my creative outlet. Okay, you don't have to listen if you don't want to. But I appreciate you listening if you are listening still, if you're still here with me. Thank you. Okay, let's get into this relationship. Oh my gosh, I'm in a relationship. There is a part of me that like thought I was gonna be single forever. And I know people say that all the time. Like after a breakup, it's like, I'm never gonna deal with another man again. I genuinely was like, I'm never dealing with a man again. Um, no. I mean, some of my bigger things, like, you know, I used to always want to be married, I used to always want to have kids, those things have definitely changed. Um, and I don't know that I need or want it still, which is fine. But I am really excited to be in this relationship. I feel like my partner is such a good mirror for me. Like I feel like he calls me out on my on my BS in like a respectful way, like, and we have such good communication, and I feel like he plans just like incredible dates and exposes me to new things that I wouldn't have otherwise, and I'm really, really grateful for him. I think I'm also terrified, and like I already had a conversation with him. Literally, it was like the first week we were official, and I was like, I think I'm already self-sabotaging. And he was like, You absolutely are. I was like, that is terrifying. I'm just really scared, you know? It's so funny because I feel like sometimes like I expect my partner to be like so vulnerable with me and like tell me everything. Like, I want to know the worst about them. And there is definitely a side that's like I only want to know all of that stuff so that I can protect myself later, which is like unhealthy, and we're recognizing that habit and we're working through it. Um, but then yeah, it's like I expect him to be super vulnerable, and then sometimes like when roles are reversed, and you know, I'm put in the position where like I need to be vulnerable, I freeze up, honey. I freeze up, and I'm like, why do we need to talk about this? So kind of like being aware of that double standard, and like, you know, if I expect someone to be vulnerable with me, like I need to be equally as vulnerable. And that's a hard lesson to learn. But my partner has been traveling for the past two weeks, and I literally miss him so much. Like hoping he's not listening because that's like so embarrassing. I've had to hold myself back multiple times from texting him to be like, I miss you. I just want to be in your arms. Like, I'm so cheesy. Okay, wait, stop. I think another reason why I was like so over recording for Kai Society is like the social media aspect of it all, and like whether or not I want a presence on it, if I'm honest. Obviously, I know that it's such an incredible tool to like grow a following or you know, gain listeners for the podcast and everything, but I literally hate seeing myself on camera. Like, I literally hate it, and I feel like it's just I don't know, I'm really bad about capturing you know, my life day to day. Um, but that's kind of like the stuff that I would want to show you. It's like I want to show you all the stuff that I did this weekend. Like I went into the city, I went to see a Broadway musical, I had dinner with my best friend, then we went to a comedy show at Radio City Music Hall, like I went on a hike, uh, I ate pizza, I you know what, like I I feel like I'm doing a lot of things, but I'm really bad at documenting it, and the pressure of like documenting also just gives me anxiety. And there was a part of me that's just like I just want to stop all of this and like go live in my own little bubble, but I know that like some of my listeners are like going through the same things as I am, and I feel like this is a really good outlet, and I honestly want to like somehow create more of a dialogue between my listeners and myself. Like, I'm gonna look into that, okay? Don't you worry. So, I guess this is gonna be like a new version of Kai Society. The energy is gonna be shifting a bit. I'm really, really, really going to be using this as a diary. So sorry, not sorry. But yeah, so I think like moving forward, episodes are going to be a lot more like this, just kind of like checking in, talking about what's going on in my life and like what I'm thinking about, what's got me down, what's got me happy. Um, and I think like if I have guests on, then those episodes will likely be more structured. But for solo episodes, I just want it to be easy. You know what I mean, Jelly Bean? Life is so hard, and I feel like it's super important to me to prioritize the things that are making me happy, and like restructuring Kai society right now is gonna make me happy, and I'm really excited for this new energy to come through, and I'm really excited about all of the things ahead. Like, I feel like moving to New Jersey was so scary, and like just the pressure of like finding a job and all of this, like a job in communications or you know, corporate America, um, has been super stressful and really, really scared me a lot. But like now that I'm here and things are kind of just like panning out and it's like just go with the float. Like, I don't know, I just I listen, like I feel like I'm a hustler. I just feel like if I want something, I'm gonna get it. I just believe that I I genuinely have like angels watching over me, and I feel like like I'm not super religious. I I've like gone back and forth, like literally when I was in South Carolina, all of a sudden I was like studying the Bible every day, and it was like a weird thing for me. I think that believing in a higher power is so beneficial, and like, do I pray? Absolutely. Do I believe in all things in the Holy Bible? No. Um, but I believe that I am being guided, and I believe that I have some kind of luck. I don't know. I just I've just been so lucky in life, and like anytime something bad has happened, or like, or just like unexpected, like, or didn't want necessarily, it's like it always turns into something positive. And so I just right now you can butter my butt and call me biscuit. I am just peachy keen and like so excited for the future. I'm really happy that I'm able to kind of reset guy society and I hope you guys will stick around to kind of see how my life pans out. I think I'm done talking for now. Honestly, it's past my bedtime. Just kidding. It's literally 7.46. I'm happy. I hope you're happy. You know, the weather is is getting nice out again, and go outside. Go outside, go outside, touch a tree, touch the grass. Uh, smile at the sun. Watch the squirrels. Squirrels are crazy. Squirrels are crazy. I don't know if you know. Such a random thing about me is that I love to just like sit and watch like screw bird watching. I just want to watch a family of squirrels fuck around, you know? Okay, I actually guess that's all I have to say. Thank you so much for listening to me. Thank you so much for supporting Kai Society, and I'll talk to you soon.